The Audio Truckstop 50 worst singles of all time...

As you know music is a very emotive and personal subject so when it comes to shit songs everyone has an opinion. As the regular visitor to this little corner of the web will know, we recently came across Blender magazine’s worst 50 songs of all time and had our say.

Although we agreed with a lot of the nominations we thought we could do a lot better (‘We Built This City’ by Starship is not the worst song in the world ever, I don’t care what they say). So here it is, the Audio Truckstop shitlist compiled by four members of the team.

Myself, Kliffton Heights, Kos and new kids on the blog Mitch and Philamental came up with the following 50 based on a few simple rules; no novelty records were allowed, it must have been released as a single, each song had to be nominated by at least three of the four and each track had to be hated and/or annoying as fuck.

We then wrote a quick assassination of each track separately and whipped it up into one big, festering, pile of ‘only available via this TV offer’ crud.

Now we know that in your opinion there will be crimes to the ear that are missing but that is just life. We have no doubt considered them but have chosen this lot instead. So without any further delay, ladies and gentlemen here comes the crap!

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50: Please Release Me – Englebert Humpedink

Kliffton: Tit.

Kos: Please do, then I won't have to hear this again.

Roo: Please choke on your own vomit Jerry...

Mitch: “I’m sorry Mr Humpedink but your parole has not been granted.”

Philamental: One of the biggest selling UK singles of all time....the record buying public are either complete twats or have a very good sense of humour!


49: Thank You – Dido

Kliffton: Fuck you!

Kos: The soundtrack to the lives of boring middleclass girls who aspire to be Bridget Jones, they need a good hard slap!

Roo: Think she is a whining bitch now? She has got menopause to go through yet...

Mitch: No thank you Dido!!!

Philamental: Eminem had the right idea...stick her in the back of a car and drive it off a bridge!


48: Don’t It Make You Feel Good – Steffan Dennis

Kliffton: Hee hee, so poo its good!

Kos: There's a reason why some people are actors and others are singers, this illustrates it.

Roo: No Steff lad, it makes me want to barf all over the place you blockheaded cuntflap…

Mitch: No it doesn’t Steffan!

Philamental: Is this the tool from 'Gaybours'? If it is, yes...this is utter shite...otherwise I'm lost.


47: Drugs Don’t Work – Verve

Kliffton: Too right they don't...check out your kipper Rich.

Kos: Yes they do, you just need to get better ones dick eyes. Stop being such a whiner, I lived in Wigan for a bit too, it's not THAT bad and you've got loads of money...

Roo: I wish they had you gibbon faced tool.

Mitch: Yes they do, you’re just from Wigan.

Philamental: They clearly don't if you were on drugs when you wrote this, Richard.


46: Missing You – Everything But The Girl

Kliffton: Big chinned freak.

Kos: Doesn't really insult me, don't mind it.

Roo: Cheer up goth!

Mitch: Not anymore moon-face!

Philamental: A shite unknown single until they put a drum machine into it... Then it became a shite popular single.


45: Cat Amongst The Pigeons – Bros

Kliffton: We are artists not just pop stars...

Kos: No wonder the Brosettes moved onto Take That

Roo: Soppy wank from the soppiest band ever to be shat onto a Radio 1 turntable.

Mitch: Fuck off!!!

Philamental: Has anyone managed to listen to the lyrics of this? A foetus with brain damage could have written something better!


44: Diamond Lights – Hoddle & Waddle

Kliffton: They well meant it!

Kos: Ick.

Roo: What were they thinking? Seriously?

Mitch: What is this shit?

Philamental: I actually liked this...I was 10 years old...'nuff fucking said...utter wank!


43: End Of The Road – Boyz II Men

Kliffton: Crap black blokes do music - badly.

Kos: Pity they weren't left in the middle of the desert when they did the video for this.

Roo: A prime example why R&B is pure evil…

Mitch: Great, now fuck off!

Philamental: You're all a bunch of twats! This is a great fucking song! Number One for about 34 years in the States! It's one for charming the ladies, you fags!


42: Aint No Doubt – Jimmy Nail

Kliffton: She's lyin’! No son, the record company did...to you.

Kos: I don't remember it being THAT bad.

Roo: She says: 'This is a fucking wank song and you know it!' - "She's lying" - No she isn't Jimmy you fucking Neanderthal.

Mitch: There aint no doubt that Jimmy is handsome – ‘we’re lying!’.

Philamental: Why do all geordies have a face like a smacked arse and voices to match?


41: Every Loser Wins – Nick Berry

Kliffton: Fuck off heart beat tit

Kos: ...and then goes on to do more pointless bland Sunday evening TV.

Roo: ...and then he manages to release 'Heartbeat'! Why is he still alive?

Mitch: How does that work then Nick?

Philamental: Is this some new marketing technique that enticed the nation's losers to buy this piece of shit? It would make sense as to why it was popular anyway.


40: Mysterious Girl – Peter Andre

Kliffton: Nobhead.

Kos: I actually feel a small level of pity for him having to put up with Jordan to kick start his career then I hear this and want his suffering to be never ending.

Roo: No no no... Kangaroo molesting fuckwit.

Mitch: It is a mystery why this has been a hit again.

Philamental: I used to think this was complete and utter shite when it was first released, yet when I heard it again on it's recent re-issueing I realised I was too leniant.


39: Red Red Wine – UB40

Kliffton: Crap white blokes do reggae...badly.

Kos: Anything by this band is arse of the highest order.

Roo: Reggae is fucking crap. Brum reggae is what I think is played in hell.

Mitch: No!

Philamental: It mentions Red twice in the title...nuff said!


38: Believe – Cher

Kliffton: Oh! Isn't it brilliant the way she's always dead current???! Up with all the trends is our Cher!

Kos: The worst use of a voicecoder EVER, what happened to ‘Turn Back Time’ and ‘Heart of Stone’ Cher? Get your butt out again...

Roo: Reminds me of a good time. On reflection the song IS pish though...

Mitch: We don’t believe you Cher.

Philamental: Just go back to walking around in a body length G-String, love. At least that was vaguely interesting.


37: It Wasn’t Me – Shaggy

Kliffton: Whatever.

Kos: That's what I'll say after I unload a clip into his face.

Roo: Good, I'm glad! Now shut the fuck up about it you beaut.

Mitch: Yes it was! Guilty as charged, take him down!

Philamental: As Bart Simpson found out, resorting to saying 'it wasnt me' or similar gets pretty fucking tedious within 10 mins, yet this song was around for months. Can you guess how much I hate it?


36: Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing – Aerosmith

Kliffton: The mighty fall continues...

Kos: You did ‘Walk This Way’, what happened????

Roo: Whinning, rubber-faced, toss-piece. The song is almost as shit as his daughter’s performance in the wank film it was used to flog.

Mitch: DON’T AGREE! This is being played at my wedding!

Philamental: I had many an intimate moment with my ex girlfriend to this song...she broke my heart...THIS SONG MUST DIE!!!!!!


35: The Sign – Ace Of Base

Kliffton: Get out!

Kos: One of the worst examples of Euro pop EVER with a horrific saxophone solo.

Roo: Euro-pop! You have just gotta love it!

Mitch: Christ on a bike...

Philamental: Fuck off! I really really wanted to fuck the blonde one! Because of that, this song rocks!!!


34: 7 Days – Craig David

Kliffton: Total nobhead.

Kos: I want 7 centuries of torture for this get, horrible creepy example of look at me I'm such a playa

Roo: Get down with my soul-boy…from Southampton.

Mitch: ...but it feels like an eternity.

Philamental: Can't hear this song without thinking of Bo' Selecta. For that, it's Proper Bo' I tell thee!


33: Young At Heart – Bluebells

Kliffton: S'alright and Bobby's dead nice

Kos: Every time I hear this I want to beat them to death with that pigging violin.

Roo: You heart would be on display at the end of a rusty spoon in my living room if I'd have got my hands on you that summer you cocklord.

Mitch: But barren of talent.

Philamental: Oh I hate this fucking song! It's just the type of wank tune that will get people who have no taste in music singing to the radio. Shite!


32: Nothings Gonna Change My Love For You – Glen Maderios

Kliffton: It went to number 1. My God!

Kos: Cheesy 80s ballad, not really THAT bad.

Roo: Music to slit your throat to. What ever happened to our Glen? I hope it was painful...

Mitch: Isn’t he a waiter in Cyprus now?

Philamental: One of the earliest aural abortions that springs to memory.


31: Stuck In A Moment – U2

Kliffton: Christ that is bad.

Kos: Or ‘Dead Australian Bloke Hanging Off the Doorframe With An Orange in His Mouth’, nearly as bad as ‘Beautiful Day’.

Roo: I love U2. I love INXS. Therefore a song by the Irish lads about Michael Hutchence should have been some sort of hymn to me. What the fuck is this shite?

Mitch: Imagine being stuck in a lift with Bono.

Philamental: This got song of the year at the Grammys... Why? It's a whiney piece of shit that displays U2 at their worst.


30: Cha Cha Slide – DJ Casper

Kliffton: Eeeuuuuuuwwweee!

Kos: So bad it is bad.

Roo: I know a person who helped get this released. Needless to say I hit him...hard.

Mitch: Jesus H. Christ on a lollypop stick.

Philamental: Despite getting a recent 'live demonstration' of what this song appears to be about, I thankfully have never heard it, so no comment.


29: Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter – Iron Maiden

Kliffton: Oh just fuck off!

Kos: Grr, galloping double guitars, Bruce Dickinson wailing away like a fog horn and lyrics about dungeons and dragons, it's a load of goblins...

Roo: Only heard the chorus and it just sounds like every other Iron Maiden song...yeah, in that case I think I hate it.

Mitch: And hopefully this will stop them breeding.

Philamental: While not their finest moment, Maiden rocks so i'm sticking up for this one! Great fun live too. Up the Irons!!!


28: I Want Your Sex – George Michael

Kliffton: Oh for God’s sake...

Kos: I want you to go away George and think about what you've done.

Roo: "Sex is natural, sex is good! Not everybody does it, but everybody should!" Especially in public toilets eh George you mincing cunt?

Mitch: “Man love”.

Philamental: I was young and dead eager to hear this cause it was banned and had 'sex' in the title. Even at my early age I condemned it as complete shite when I eventually heard it.


27: Hero – Chad Kroger

Kliffton: Massive tit.

Kos: To be fair the video had Kirstin Dunst with red hair in it...

Roo: The fact that this song is already considered a K-Tel filler speaks volumes to me.

Mitch: Right, that is it!!!

Philamental: Kirstin Dunst's see through wet top makes a huge difference to this song.


26: Life Is A Roller Coaster – Ronan Keating

Kliffton: Yet another nobhead.

Kos: This and ‘Reach’ by S Club are staples of the inspirational corporate gatherings, it reaffirms why I hate my life and job.

Roo: This is what happens when you put words to that musak played in lifts.

Mitch: No it isn’t Ronan you Guinness drinking, spud eating twat.

Philamental: What do you mean Ronan? A rollercoaster is all ups and downs...oh wait, I see what you've done now...you're so fucking clever arent you! Gay club cocktease!


25: All Around The World – Oasis

Kliffton: Manc blurts...this really is the nadir.

Kos: *shudder* Scall rock, for people who want to get hammered before deciding if you're their new best mate or if they want to glass you.

Roo: Oasis cement their position as the worlds premier Beatles tribute band with this crap.

Mitch: Noooooo!!!

Philamental: They seriously took their obsession with the Beatles too far with this one. If Lennon was still alive, he'd really have to watch out for Noel Gallagher when he went out for a pint of milk.


24: Kingston Town – UB40

Kliffton: Somehow manages to be even worse than ‘Red Red Wine’!

Kos: More of the stupid Brummies pretending to be black, the Birmingham accent has to be the worst one in the world.

Roo: Did 'John Doe' play this to one of the victims in the film 'Seven'? If he had played it to me I'd have eaten myself to death, bled myself, tortured myself for a year, shagged myself with a massive knife, took an overdose and cut my own fucking head off just to get away from that crud.

Mitch: No.

Philamental: "We're working class lads from Bermingham...I know...let's write a song all about our love for Jamaica! That will show the world how much of a bunch of pricks we are!" Mission accomplished boys.


23: Riverboat Song – Ocean Colour Scene

Kliffton: Total utter shite mod bollocks.

Kos: I HATE this song, it symbolizes everything I hated about Brit Pop, stupid swaggering around to faux guitar music.

Roo: The song that will forever be associated with TFI Friday. For this alone the members of this group should be flailed to within an inch of their life.

Mitch: CHRIS EVANS!

Philamental: Classic Riff! Band are a bunch of tools, but this is great fun to play and sounds good and recogniseable no matter how shit you are! I impressed lots of girlies with this on my acoustic!


22: Love Is All Around – Wet Wet Wet

Kliffton: The smack head bin man’s finest hour...

Kos: Pity he didn't spend the money he made from this to get higher strength smack...

Roo: Crap song, crap cover version, crap video flogging a crap film. No wonder this crap made it into our top 50.

Mitch: And so is smack apparently.

Philamental: REM did this unplugged...it was a sweet warm and respectful cover version. WWW took the same song and turned it into one of the most irritating examples of aural torture ever!


21: Always – Bon Jovi

Kliffton: I hate this lot.

Kos: Jon, stop knocking out these rank ballads to sell to the mums, PLEASE!

Roo: Soppy cock rock from the middle-aged man with a Superman tattoo. Cunt.

Mitch: Unfortunately...

Philamental: Used to really like them when I was younger. No matter how shit this is, they've released far worse in recent years.


20: Promise Me – Beverly Craven

Kliffton: Oh just fuck off.

Kos: Don’t really remember this.

Roo: Why middle-aged women shouldn't be given a record deal.

Mitch: Promise me you will die.

Philamental: She's Irish and I used to really want to fuck her! She gets my seal of approval (You don't want to know what I'm using to 'seal' the approval)


19: Jenny From The Block – Jennifer Lopez

Kliffton: Get out of your own arse...

Kos: Whatever Jen, if you were REALLY from the block you'd have the bad HIV, a huge smack habit, be turning tricks for a tenner and a boyfriend who beats you regularly, I like that version better...

Roo: Unpretentious (Adj):Lacking pretension or affectation, Not ostentatious, Exhibiting restrained good taste. Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got… Do one.

Mitch: Don’t be fooled by this gun that I’ve got...

Philamental: So despite all your millions of dollars and the fact you dress like diamond clad whore, you haven't changed a bit? Christ, I never knew the Bronx was like that! Movies have clearly lied to us all.


18: Return Of The Mack – Mark Morrison

Kliffton: Christ that’s bad.

Kos: English people just can't do this playa thing can they?

Roo: Shut up you fucking wankstain. Aren't you the gangsta? Where are you from again? Oh yeah the mean streets of Leicester. Fucking Leicester!

Mitch: Oh my gawd...

Philamental: I hate nursery rhyme 'rap' or in this case nursery rhyme crap!


17: Against All Odds – Mariah Carey & Westlife

Kliffton: Carey + shite + Westlife = utter shite.

Kos: And you thought the original was bad?

Roo: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! This song proves that if you try to polish a turd you end up with shit everywhere.

Mitch: I’ll give them evens, they are all shit.

Philamental: I hated the original more I have to admit. Which reminds me...why is there no Phil Collins so far?


16: Everything I Do I Do It For You – Bryan Adams

Kliffton: I'm so happy about that Bry.

Kos: Do ‘Summer of 69’ Bry, do ‘Run To You’, do that one you did with Snorty Spice just don't do THIS for the love of God...

Roo: This song was number one for 16 long weeks...4 months...a third of the year! I wanted to slash his throat in the end.

Mitch: I wish he wouldn’t.

Philamental: This would be in my top 5. 16 of the worst weeks of my life...4 long fucking summer months with that shite coming out of every radio.


15: Killing Me Softly – Fugees

Kliffton: I like this!

Kos: Boring, boring, no wonder Wyclef's doing adverts for Virgin.

Roo: "One time…" Fuck off Wycliffe you floppy haired twat. I wish that you really were in that prison 'superstar', I would have laughed my arse off if that big 'Bubba' kicked your backdoor in so much that your entire bottom half fell off. Oh and that Lauryn Hill can shut her fucking mouth too the minging skank.

Mitch: Kill YOU softly.

Philamental: This is quality! Lauryn Hill has an amazing voice and does a great vocal on this track. And shouting 'ONE TIME' in the pub with your mates when pissed used be class!


14: Dilemma – Nelly feat Kelly Rowland

Kliffton: Garston home girls can you hear me...

Kos: The savior of ringtone merchants everywhere, allowing scall girls to think they were black, to be fair Kelly's the cute one in Destiny's Child.

Roo: The ringtone of choice for 18-year-old white girls who think that listening to R&B on Top Of The Pops makes them black.

Mitch: The only dilemma I can see is whether to burn or hang you.

Philamental: This is a bit shit alright, but I wouldnt mind giving Kelly a good seeing to, so it's not that bad for that reason.


13: I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston

Kliffton: I won’t.

Kos: Poor, poor Whitney...

Roo: Why is your jaw wobbling so much Whitney? Is it for the song or is it a symptom of being twatted out of your skull on bugle?

Mitch: “Welcome to your new padded room Miss Houston. Nurse!”

Philamental: This is even worse the Bryan Adams. Utter utter pigshit! This makes the Dolly Parton version sound like an aural masterpiece!


12: Another Day In Paradise – Phil Collins

Kliffton: Collins, NOOOO!!!

Kos: Yeah you'd know ALL about that homeless thing wouldn't you Phil in your mansion in Switzerland? Get out my life and take that ‘Groovy Kind of Love’ gash with you too.

Roo: Hey, he is doing it for the homeless you heartless bastards...

Mitch: Not for us, Phil.

Philamental: About time this wanker made it into this list. The homeless have enough fucking problems without having this miserable piece of shit dedicated to their 'cause'.


11: Dancing In The Moonlight – Toploader

Kliffton: Asda's fave...I hate it so much its ridiculous!

Kos: Shouldn't rock music make you want to go out and get hookers and blow? This makes you want to sit in and do the crossword and have a nice quiet night in, tossers.

Roo: A song that truly makes my flesh crawl.

Mitch: ...hopefully near a steep cliff, tall pier, accident black-spot...

Philamental: Not the worst song on the list. I've sang this a number of times when 'beered up' so I obviously don't hate it that much.


10: Unchained Melody – Robson & Jerome

Kliffton: Murderous thoughts.

Kos: Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon died for this world and people buy this drek.

Roo: Over-rated song performed by two actors, produced by Simon Cowell and loved by grannies across the nation. Is there any wonder this induces blood to spurt from my ears?

Mitch: Chain up the pair of ‘em I say.

Philamental: It might be uncool to say, but I absolutely love the original. However this cover version just takes my fond memory and pukes all over it while raping my mother just to get the point across. It's safe to say I don't like this.


9: Simply The Best - Tina Turner

Kliffton: Simply the vest you mean, rock & roll Granny.

Kos: Simply fucking shit.

Roo: Ah, the amateur DJ’s favourite! This abomination can be heard at every 16th, 18th and 21st birthday party, every wedding anniversary and wedding. I want to die.

Mitch: Is it Tina? Is it? Is this the best you can offer you horse-type beast?

Philamental: I fucking hate this! And it gets played EVERY FUCKING SINGLE TIME SOME SPORTSTEAM/PERSON WINS SOMETHING...which is like every fucking week! This song should be put down NOW!


8: Candle In The Wind (Dead Di Version)

Kliffton: Goodbye England’s rose...you after an award Elt?

Kos: Now this IS that bad, some Sloan ranger dies and she gets a record released in tribute? What's going on? She was a parasite you dolts.

Roo: Right I get the original, I get the performance in church but I don't fucking get the fourteen billion people who went out and bought this shite.

Mitch: Look at Elton’s eyebrow when he sings this!!!

Philamental: Elton swore he'd never play this again... Even HE clearly knows how bad it fucking is!


7: My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion

Kliffton: Arr. I loved the film then this comes on and I wanna kill small animals.

Kos: Histrionic diva wailing at it's worst, the only way it could have been worse was if Whitney and Mariah had put an appearance in on the film.

Roo: What's with the long face Celine you talentless moose?

Mitch: And on...and on...and on... (repeat to fade).

Philamental: Seriously...this song used to be very special to me and my ex, but for some reason, it hasn't gone the same way as the Aerosmith shite mentioned earlier. Let Celine's heart go on for a bit longer I say.


6: We Are The World – USA for Africa

Kliffton: Sugar sweet, conscious cleaning shite.

Kos: Totally overwrought and American, why make your point with Midge Ure when you can ram it home with Bruce Springsteen, Michael Jackson and other assorted no marks bellowing it?

Roo: At least Band Aid was catchy, this is just limp shite.

Mitch: We are the shit more like.

Philamental: Prince dodged this and by doing so got about another million credibility points without even trying! 'Sending our love down the well' was better than this wank residue!


5: What’s Up – Four Non Blonds

Kliffton: B'jesus, this stinks.

Kos: Purgatory is this being played non stop while working in a call centre with a team made up solely of Dave of the Dead, Louis the XIV, Fat Rachel and Foot-long.

Roo: Oh for the love of God...

Mitch: Nothing is up, now fuck off!

Philamental: Ah no...this isn't that bad, and it was one of the first 'popular songs of the time' I could play quite well on my acoustic when I started to play so I have fond memories of this one.


4: Whole Of The Moon - The Waterboys

Kliffton: You came like a comet? Whatever.

Kos: This song blighted my life during university along with Neil Diamond, 4 nights a week I had to hear this get belted out in a club stylee by my dads mate in his pub act. Allegedly taking 8 days to record you have to ask yourself; why so long on such an obvious POS? Why is there a stupid noise to represent a comet? Why were people so stupid that they bought it on the 15th re release of it when they'd ignored it successfully previously? Why does god mess with me? Why, why, why???? It proves that there's nothing down for us as a species if drek like this is considered good and I still wish that I'd blown my dads mates foot off with one of those poxy little flash bombs he used to signify the comet so I wouldn't of had to hear it again...

Roo: Watch what happens when this bollocks is played in an Irish pub, it is cringe-worthy...

Mitch: Words fail me when asked to give a reason why I hate this.

Philamental: Because I'm Irish, it's probably not surprising that I like this song for the very same reason that Roo hates it!


3: Missing You – Puff Daddy

Kliffton: Me mates dead...lets make lots of money!

Kos: This makes me want to shoot everyone involved with making this in the face repeatedly, truly one of THE worst songs ever.

Roo: There is nothing worse than cashing in on someone else's misfortune least of all your best mates. The snide, money-grabbing cunt deserves a flight on John Denver Airlines...

Mitch: But cashing in!

Philamental: How do you make one of the worst ever Police songs even worse? By doing a cash in 'rap' cover version when your friend dies. Absolutely shite.


2: Cotton Eye Joe – Rednecks

Kliffton: Just fuck off.

Kos: Bring on the gas showers...

Roo: Fuck off and die NOW. This band is the very definition of a talent vacuum.

Mitch: Why? Why? Why?

Philamental: 'Hey Baby' is twice as annoying as this, but didnt make it cause the kopites objected as I understand ;-)


1: Achy Breaky Heart – Billy-Ray Cyrus

Kliffton: Mullet bell end hick blurt.

Kos: Mulleted freak messing with my life, you women would break your pelvises to open your legs for his cracker-barrel infected semen.

Roo: I cannot adequately put into words the rage this song induces in me. Mullet-headed jizz gobbler...

Mitch: Achy breaky, Billy? Twat...

Philamental: This is shockingly bad, but where is 'Hello' by Lionel Richie, or my own personal choice for the worst song ever...Mambo number fucking 5...I don't care if it's a novelty song...it needs to be highlighted as the anal raping of your eardrums that it is!


So there you have it, our take on the 50 worst songs ever to be released into the charts.

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